Helping a victim heal

I received some great advice from a young man who had experienced an event that was not any fault of his own. I have borrowed some of his words, because they mostly are true in a situation like mine. 

Most victims hate that word. I used to, however, it is a real word that others can understand. We are also survivors. 

When I was in my early 20's my babies were kidnapped, and doctor's removed all my memories to keep me alive. However, after about 30 years all the memories came back. Only they kept coming back in inappropriate times and places. 

I received comments from friends and acquaintances urging me to “cheer up”, “Don’t be so depressed,” “It was a long time ago” or  “You’d think you’d be over it by now.” 

I wish I could have gotten over it and returned to activities, and yet, in my life over my youth and growing up years, I had had so many traumatic issues, it was not that easy. I knew that I would not be able to work or play without seeing other children, or hear the voices of children laughing or crying. Where friends tried to help me by sharing their children during Thanksgiving, they did not know that I went home after and cried myself to sleep for weeks afterward. Thanksgiving was the night my babies were kidnapped. 

After my memory came back, at one employment I was doing well, until a woman tossed a used diaper in my trash can. Especially since the previous night someone had cut the lock off the bars on my bedroom windows and I was in fear that someone would break into my home again. I knew I was in trouble when I realized I had been under my desk in tears before someone came and helped me out and into another office. 

The good-natured, albeit misguided pressure to take drugs hurts deeply.  We don’t need drugs, we need comfort and understanding. We need someone who can just sit and listen and then hug us so we can get up and try again. 

Early on, I learned to keep my mouth shut and stay away from people when I have more than one trigger active.  Some accused me of being dishonest, when they wanted to know details about my life. They wanted to know what I did to get my children taken away.  The worst part? I was still trying to sort out those feelings myself. I find that was a question that only God could answer, and He does comfort each woman who has lost children in this way. 

I recognize that much of the hurt I felt was unintended, or a result of inexperience. So, in an effort to educate, here are some tips on how to help those who suffer such a devastating loss —from someone who has lived the disaster.

1. Recognize how traumatic the experience is for the person.

Most who lose a child or children feel nostalgia and grief.  The conflicting emotions are difficult to deal with. The thought of “What if?” or “If I had only. . . ” is a constant nag. It’s ok for them to be sad. It may take years for the wounds to begin to heal. But given time, they will. Let us grieve. In the meantime, supportive friends and neighbors should say, “We love you,” not, “You don’t have to be sad.” Many of us need to work through our grief to heal. Simply show love to us while we do it.

2. Don’t search for something to say.

You don’t need profound words of encouragement or a prepared speech. I recall many moments of pause, confusion, and stammering when I explained that “Yes, I have children, but no, I have no children.” What we do not need to hear is “sorry.” We want to know that our sacrifice mattered. We want to know that we are still mothers in your eyes. For me, an arm around my shoulder and a warm smile are all I ever wanted. That’s all you have to do. Allow a person to cry when they need to, without locking them up. 

For me, I felt that no matter what I said, my friends did not understand what I was going through. I was largely right. Unless someone has had a similar experience, it is difficult to connect. Don’t feel shunned or unloved if a person doesn't share the dark days of their life with you. Encourage conversation when you can, listen intently to understand, be sure they have someone to talk to, but don’t put blame or guilt on them for not being “open” about their issues. They have enough on their plate already.

Pep talks and cheering up strategies didn't work well for me and I've never seen it work for anyone else either. What helped me most was moving on with life. Spiritual music, scripture reading, walking in nature, crafts, and going to the ocean or the mountains helped me put the nightmares in the past for the most part. Work helped, when I was able to work. Being able to get to church helped me a lot. I needed that Spirit of the Lord to soothe my troubled feelings. 

4. Treat them like everyone else, and not as if their situation makes them some kind of an anomaly.

Ask them about their future goals and dreams. Talk about hobbies they might pick up. It is not necessary to discuss their difficulties in order to connect. But when they want to talk, don't make them be quiet in their own homes. They must feel you are safe and can handle it or they would never have said a word. 

All we ask for is acceptance and love. Don’t tell us to take drugs to block our feelings. Allow us to remember our children and feel what we feel. It is much more healing and much faster without drugs to mask our problems. That way memories don’t jump out in places and at times they should not.