After Suicide

Many years ago, one of my aunts committed suicide. Most of the family was devastated. Because I see things in a different way than most, I was relieved for her. Not in that she killed herself, but rather that in death she obtained relief. I feel that those who think about this as a way to find relief, forget that others suffer for many years after they are gone. 

The only people I loved, prior to my knowledge of Jesus Christ, were dead, and I believed they were with God up in heaven. So those who died were the lucky ones. Then, when I learned of Jesus Christ, (in a church not the same as I now am), I was crushed when they told people that those who commit suicide are condemned to eternal damnation. The entire family was told to feel shame for allowing them to do such a horrible thing. They were wrong. 

God knows why we do what we do, and Jesus Christ paid the price to say who is damned and who is not. I know that He understands and forgives. It is never a families fault when someone gives up on life. Life is hard. But Jesus Christ is the keeper of the gate. He knows our names. He cares about each and every one of us. 

Many teach that there is only one heaven and one hell, but that is not correct either. In the Holy Bible, 1 Corinthians 15: 41-42, Paul tells us that:  

 41 There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars: for one star differeth from another star in glory.


 42 So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption:

Just as there are millions of stars and planets, our earth only has one Sun and one Moon. They are reflections of the Light that the Lord Jesus Christ has in loving God's children. 

I know as a parent, I loved those whom I cared for who were not my own. I have never stopped loving the children I gave birth to. I am sure you love your children or nieces or nephews with an unconditional love. For those who have temporarily lost someone you love, know that it is not your fault. 

Each of us live in different homes in family groups. In death it is the same. Yet, we are all the family of God. Jesus Christ understands what each of us suffer. Only God understands the why. The good news is, death is not the end. 

Forgiveness is real. This is called The Atonement. Jesus died that we all might live. I'm sure that those who commit suicide gave up on life and felt that death was the only peace. I am also sure that now, they are being taught truth on the other side. They will not be required to pay as much as those who deliberately murder others will. Their death is much different than that. 

Growing up, I felt that death would be much better than life. As a young person, each time I tried to die, I lived. For many years I had no clue as to why that was. I know now that God did not want me to come home before I learned some things. Such as: there is hope and love in the world that is clean and good. He wanted me to have time to repent of my sins and find out which place in God's kingdoms I wanted to be. 

The last time I wanted to die was after I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day-saints. I had a good job, loving friends, I was learning to play the organ, I had my own piano and a nice home. I was enjoying life. All was good, until someone cut the lock off my bedroom window. I replaced the lock, however, I remembered that bad people find ways to do bad things. I believed I was no longer safe. I began to lose sleep and had no one I could share what I had already gone through in my growing up years.  

Then, at work, someone brought back memories of my babies, and because I was still mourning for the lose of my own children, it brought back bad memories. Over a short period of time, I forgot who I am and why I needed to live. I wanted to feel safe, and rather than remembering how, I took every pill I had in the house. I do not do drugs, however, even vitamins can be overdone to a point where they shut your organs down. 

I remember falling in the hallway, and crawling to the bathroom as I was vomiting blood. As I saw the pool of blood on the floor, I came to my senses, crawled out to where I could reach the telephone cord. I pulled the phone to the floor, dialed 911 and said, "I think I have killed me. Help." Soon, the paramedics were there and took me to the hospital where I survived. 

My neighbor came down and when she saw me on the gurney she said, "I'll get help." After I came home from the hospital my Bishop came and I'm sorry to say, I could not even share with him my past. I told him I had to move to another location, and he told me he would help me to stay. I did not know how to tell him why I had such intense fear of being alone. 

One of the prophets of God said, "Remove any of your fear with faith. Trust the power of God to guide you." Elder M Russell Ballard. 

It takes time to heal. It takes time to release your grief. Know that there are those whom can help. Pray constantly. Try not to be alone and reach out to those who love you. I suggest you go to www.mormonchannel.org and watch or listen to those who do understand what you are going through. They can teach you truth and give you light to go on.